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My remnant of a life

By Tonya

"I am an adult with ADHD and also battle with depression. My 8 year old son also has ADHD, so I've got my share of insight into this."

"What it’s like to live like this…like driving 90 in the slow lane, like driving 30 in the fast lane…it’s never knowing what’s going to take over your mind, obsessing over song lyrics, your weight and what ifs…to be shrouded in the delusion that everything is okay and people still like you…to want to believe that you will become a functioning part of society once the medication is right…to know deep down that you will never be all that you should be and that your spouse is most likely staying with you out of pity and to feed their need to feel superior, to feel like a charity case…a reject thrown back into the mix, struggling to stay afloat, gasping for air…only to choke on your own breath…to want to disappear, but being unable to do so because of your undying love for your children…questioning if they would be better off without you in their lives…never being content, constantly needing more…more love, more affection, more understanding, more challenge, more…more…more…it doesn’t matter what, as long as it takes your mind off of the pain and agony of living within a sequestered mind…it’s like looking in a shattered mirror, only seeing fragments of yourself…yet knowing that somehow you should be whole…tears like a waterfall cascade to the floor, leaving me to soak up the drops of inadequacy. To be handled with kid gloves, no longer strong and respected…now weak and desperate, discarded like last weeks trash. Thrashing about…angry…but too tired to care anymore, going through life quieted by a damaged mind and sedated by the effects of the medicines pumping through your body. Scared to quit taking them…fearing the unrelenting psychosis and apparitions that take over when the stakes get too high. Becoming a zombie, trapped in the beautiful illusions that you adopt to stay alive…every day is a struggle, the renderings of a life once full of hope and triumph…now leave a shell shocked empty vessel, fragile, yet a survivor of incredible hurt and pain…once a gift to society, now a burden to all. Attempting to stifle the tears, wanting to appear happy and whole…to ease the worry of those that you are forced to interact with. Lonely and scared, isolated even in a room of people…constantly feeling pressure to put on the appearance of the person that you used to be, but not knowing how to be that person anymore. It’s like watching your life through others…questioning that anything you do or strive for is appropriate…once confident, now trembling inside…careful and tired, stepping out into society only when demanded to…feeling like a reprimanded child, questioning your worth and wondering why you were born into a life filled with so much agony. Trying to grasp the tiny snippets of joy, cuddling your children, knowing that one day they will be grown with lives of their own…wondering what will keep you alive when the day comes that they no longer need you around…being unable to hold back the tears, to sob uncontrollably…falling asleep from the exhaustion of trying to fit in…to question everything that you once knew…asking just what part of your life has been real…and what has been a delusion…holding onto the fabricated stories of your life…even though you know it has all been a lie…to feel more at home in a cemetery than at a party…those that are around you don’t realize how incredibly difficult the daily grind is for you…it’s like being on an escalator and not being able to step off…seeing others live their lives and wondering why you are unable to find peace and solace in the mundane. Questioning everything and not knowing the answers to anything…it’s like cramming for a test that you know you are going to fail. You put in ten times the effort, yet are unable to reap the rewards. Giving your all and still coming up short, once able to perform under extreme pressure, now caving at the thought of attempting one tenth of what you used to do. Needy and insecure, now discarded by those that used to crave you. The confident genius is still locked inside, begging for another chance…once freed, only able to crash and burn when opportunities arise. The inconsistencies in your life are thrown in your face, only increasing the pain and frustration you are already struggling with. Once a valuable contribution to society…now a drain on all in your midst. Having qualms about everything, just hanging on by a thread…trying to quiet the demons of the past that live in your mind. Scrambling to keep up, juggling tiny obligations as a façade of being okay…quietly walking through each day, yet screaming inside…miraculously you make it through, only to awaken to the empty shell of who you used to be and do it all again…at least you try…at best you survive…another day of questioning…all that you are…all that you do….all that you know….all that you are not. Tiny fragments of a person trying to be whole…like working on a jigsaw puzzle, only to find missing pieces nearing the end…too late to take back the time invested…you give up your quest for completion…knowing you will never be whole…trembling inside you curl up and die. Letting yourself go, knowing that the whole you is a thing of the past. The grief of losing yourself is too much to bear…it’s like living through your own funeral…others easily forget about you, you stand by quietly…realizing just how insignificant you really are. Once living a front page story, now a want ad for life. Hurting inside, forever…too long. Wanting to make a mark on society, yet barely scratching the surface. Quieted by the gray matter, seeing glimmers of a rainbow, you cry out, running towards the treasure lurking ahead…only to have it stolen away by the impending storm within your soul. Creature of habit, you retreat into yourself…knowing that somehow you will make it through the darkness…never giving up hope, longing for the light…you silently embrace what is left of your heart…in an attempt to comfort the fragments of self within your grasp. A survivor, made stronger on the outside, yet more weary with every encounter…the darkness robs you…leaving only remnants of who you once were.

By Tonya

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